I Don't Like My Friends

When I was younger I really struggled with relationships. I was so self conscious and apprehensive that I never felt anyone was really there for me. I worried about trivial things. Like, how should I act around this person? And, if I talk to this person, what will other people think? In my insecurity I picked up and dropped friends easily. I was so self absorbed that I never thought how it would feel to the others involved.

Friendships are a struggle for many people. It is natural to question whether it would be easier to just be free of them. They seem so much work and they are never guaranteed to go the way we want.  (Um, well, they usually don't follow your intentions.) They are a risky, time consuming investment.

The idea of letting someone see your faults. The act of accepting the shortcomings of another. And then pushing through your differences. Relationships can be painful. They can be tough. They can be stressful. Keeping them may require some clarifying questions. Some blind trusting. Some forgiving. Some letting go. 

Now that I am older, I have many long standing friendships. We have constant misunderstandings. We clash. We lose touch momentarily. We forget birthdays and anniversaries. We get too self involved at times to see the need in the other. We are imperfect people walking through life together. 

I don't like my friends. They push me out of my comfort zone. They test my patience and my ability to forgive. They make me question my beliefs. They examine my empathy. My motives. My commitment. My perseverance. They hinder my steps at times and change my direction at others. 

I don't like my friends. I  love them.  

They expand my horizons. Enrich my memories. Awaken my passion. Establish my character. Lesson my sorrow. Solidify my stance. Bring out my strengths. Sharpen my edges. They help me grow. 

Unimaginable Love

I love my husband. Dearly. Even on frustrating days he'll move a way that makes me adore him. He'll say something that makes me smile. Or he'll bring up a fond memory of our travels and discoveries together.

There are many people in love in this world. But there is a love even greater than that love that made the heart pitter patter. Stronger than that love that keeps people together through trials and diversity. There is a love even greater than that coveted and poetic bond between two adults. 

The unimaginable love between a mother and child. 

I thought the feelings of affection had culminated into something unsurpassable as I held my new born child in my arms. I had made this adorable bundle. She was an amalgamation of my handsome husband, my beloved brother, my own parents. An obvious union of our lines of lineage and the compounded love deposited into her fragile little form.

And then she moved. She cooed. She learned. She grew. She amazed. 

If I thought my heart would burst in those first few months, even as I stressed over how to do this all right, even though I struggled with doubts and fears, and even though I was exhausted beyond reason, how much more did my heart beat with devotedness and attachment each passing day.

Her first steps. The advancement in her coordination day to day. The first furrow of her brow with empathetic concern. The way she sticks her tongue out in concentration. The excitement in her eyes as she discovers life. Her very being fosters overwhelming pride and joy before she even tries to please me. 

I knew love before her. But I never knew the depth its hearty roots could reach. I never knew the protective inclinations that could arise daily. I never knew the risks and sacrifices I would be willing to take. I never knew how strong the cord could be between me and another astounding, yet imperfect, human being.

I am sure love is a very limiting term that is expressed by many different words in other languages. Because I love my husband, but my affection toward my daughter is distinctive in its feelings. The matriarchal power that it evokes cannot be rivaled by any other individual or motivation. 

I now truly know what it means to say that she is my everything. To think about her day and night. To believe that she could do no wrong. To never stop worrying about her safety and future. 

She is the most magnificent gift I have ever received. 

With grateful love, I thank my husband for  this treasure.