The goal is to set a course that will result in finishing the year in a more estimable place than at this beginning. Thinner. Healthier. More organized. And happier. Definitely happier.
The planned method to reach that goal is often a lofty one. A self-depreciating, rule filled regimen that requires unwavering determination. Without taking into account the amount of road blocks. The nostalgia over such a previously insignificant part of a memory. The salivating glands at the idea of something forbidden. The it's-not-fair cries inside when observing simple day to day rituals so innocently taken advantage of by innocent bystanders.
Until finally, it's enough. You can't take it. It may only be New Year's Day, but next year you will be stronger.
But probably not. Not out of motivation to win the battle of a day that gives so many the illusion of a new beginning when the world just keeps ticking on the same as before. Not out of worshipping this commercialized event calendar that tells us when to love, when to fantasize, when to give, when to change.
I thought about following the routine. Marching out my own acceptation of this yearly affair.
But the tumultuous path the last year took has left me with too much of a new acceptance of the way things have become. And more importantly, are naturally becoming. Change is in my every day and so this season isn't a break in my steps at all but merely a part of the continuum that means I must be getting somewhere. I hope.
Simply put, a New Year's resolution just doesn't fit two aspects of my current journey. One is my ever changing opinion of the world around me and the way it should be and the other is that same phenomena subjectively applied to my own life, my own home, my own body.
I am 30 pounds heavier than this time last year. And I don't care. I have a family who loves me. I'm healthy. I'm beautiful. Take away the cellulite and I think I would actually like this current form better. (A new wardrobe would increase the comfort.)
I don't stress over my hair anymore. And I don't regret it. The more I worried about it the more I hated it anyway. (And hate is an understatement as I think my hair has resulted in an embarrassing amount of tears and tardiness.) I've grown to love the natural look. I think it adds a softness. An air of contentment. Definitely more contentment in my daily routine.
My floors are gross. So what? I've got two dogs, a toddler, and a husband. And I enjoy their company. I'm enjoying my child's presence to the fullest. That's more valuable than the opinion of someone who doesn't have her heart on my sleeve like my little one does. Anyone can critique the hair balls and foot prints. I don't care. I'm going to the library. Hiking the surrounding forests. Testing the coffee shops. Going bowling and swimming. Visiting family. Watching the mind of an inquisitive toddler expand. The floor can wait. (I don't even think I cringed writing it that time.)
These declarations may seem mundane to you. But not to someone who this time last year would have found these ideas far fetched. The opinions of others has always mattered too much. The fear of failure has always clouded my choices.
I didn't resolve to change these things a year ago. Most definitely I would have chosen the distinct opposite. But it was many events over the last year that broke things. The forgiveness I had to give. The black and white I finally had to see. All while busy raising a child. It adjusted priorities. It helped me see what will matter in the end.
I'm not saying someone resolving to lose weight is erring. I'm not saying someone determined to be a better house maker is on the wrong path. I'm just saying the desired growth isn't from a day pronounced to be the catalyst. It's from opening up to the miracles of revelation available every day. The stories of strength from each struggle. The recognition of what matters in the hustle and bustle. The taking responsibity for oneself that has to be adopted as a lifestyle.
I can look back at my rough year, the stressful year of 2014, and label it's denouement as a successful year. It stressed me out until I let go. Day by day it worked on me. Improved me. Helped me to walk into what will be an amazing 2015.
