Sunday, 3 August 2014

My Undone List

Often we have a set of tasks we decisively set on completing. A list of things we need to have done. And this is good. Lists are good. Goals are good. 

But sometimes life comes in and says, no way, that is not what is going to happen. This is quite a pet peeve of mine. Especially when it is what life says to other people. I get so annoyed when friends or family fall through on plans. When they don't do what they said they would do.

I think I get more aggravated because I question how much is life really getting in the way and how much is just excuse. If it really mattered, would they have done it anyway?

It seems life is intent on teaching me that sometimes, I can't just means I can't.

My husband is returning in a few days from a job away. While he was gone I had huge overhaul plans. I was going to get rid of things not used. I was going to amaze him with my hard work. And it started okay. 

I cleared out of a bunch of stuff. I washed the siding by the entrance. I searched and destroyed a dozen wasps nests. I cleaned out and organized the pantry and the storage room and the fridge and freezer. I was checking things off the list. And I had another whole three days off, and a few evenings, to hit 'er hard and get 'er done. 

But then on Wednesday I started to feel unwell. By Thursday I felt horrid. I left work and went home. But a few hours later I was up in the hospital severely nauseous with excruciating stomach pains. They determined it was probably viral and sent me home to bed. I was useless but hopefully by the end of the weekend I would be able to get a little bit more work done.  

But it was not so. Sunday morning I went back up when it became very clear that I was not getting better. I'll spare you the details. 

So my diagnosis was changed from viral, and run it's course, to bacterial, and requiring treatment. But tests had to be done to determine which bacteria, and that may take days. 

So here I am, on a Sunday afternoon, getting nothing checked off my list. All my energy must be used to feed my toddler and try to convince her I'm not a Jungle Gym. To wipe her bum and make sure she washes her hands. Other than that, it's been sleep, books, movies, watching her play (which is quite entertaining), Facebook and Pinterest. Nothing productive. 

No weed eating. No moving the lawn. No emptying out the shed to organize. No dump run. No cleaning the fish tank. 

Not only will my self imposed list not be done, but my husband may just return to laundry piled up, dirty dishes, and a layer of grit on the floor. 

My first thought was, would he have stopped working feeling like this? He is a hard worker. He pushes through everything. I feel he may not be aware of how awful I feel. Not that he would actually judge me. He wasn't the one who made the list. I think I may have to let go of some pride as well. I intended to have my man in awe. I wanted him to be proud of me. And I wanted him to learn something. I wanted to show him a list that got done.

But it appears I just have to trust he loves me and he's happy that I'm okay and he won't be excited to see what I did. He'll be excited to see me.

And I'll be happy to see him to be with him and enjoy his company and watch him with his daughter. Not to show him my amazingly accomplished list. 

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