Monday, 12 August 2013

Write Over The Wall

I love to write. I wish I could just ramble to people and they would enjoy my conversation. But usually they obviously misunderstand or lose interest. Or I can't get it out. Okay, most often I can't get it out coherently. So, I write it on paper or type it out instead. That way, others can read instead of listen and I don't see the misunderstandings. I am not aware of those that just skim or stop part way. I don't know if eyes are rolled or tears are shed. I'm left with my own judgements. Which means only some get published.

One day I would like to write a book. It would be something encouraging. Maybe about feeling like I was going crazy, living drastically shy and ill, and working step-by-step toward joyful sanity. But I still struggle with reaching out to those hurting. Even though I am surrounded by them. Wishing I could help. But then comes the most dreaded question ever. How did you change?

That's a hard thing to answer. There are so many variables. And when I think of all the factors, I can unfortunately recall being presented with each one and knowing they wouldn't work. I remember arguing, denial, and excuses. Yes, on their own they would not work. Just forgiving those who hurt me, whether I wanted to or not, was not the end-all cure. Counteracting negative self-speak with positive affirmations was not going to work miracles on its own. Praying whole-heartedly was not going to alter reality without action. And that idea sucked. We all want an easy solution for our arduous problems. We all want to undo years in just an expeditious moment. We want to erase ingrained mental patterns instantly.

Not going to happen. It makes me think of a cartoon of two tunnels being dug into the rock looking for diamonds. In one tunnel, the worker gives up and dejectedly turns around. He doesn't realize his resplendent goal was literally right there. He'd put in a lot if work. He probably thought of quitting more than once. Maybe he figured he didn't deserve the riches. Maybe he figured he went the wrong way. Maybe he figured his labour wasn't getting him as far along as it felt like. He had decided it was all for nothing. Defeated, he turned away right before breakthrough.

We give up on a relationship we've taken years to build because of one little misunderstanding. We disown people we've invested in our whole lives because of petty differences. We let go of potential opportunities because we can't see exactly how much work is involved. We leave difficult situations because we concentrate on the work over the reward.

And most if all, we refuse to cultivate ourselves because we can't look past the current struggle to see the gratifying fortune on the other side. It's like a weight trainer. The work-out is exhausting. It's difficult. It's painful. But the results come. One day that much weight or that many reps will become easy and bigger goals can be established. Keeping it simple would produce no results.

Sometimes you need to go back into your painful past to more effectively deal with people in your future. Sometimes you need to face overwhelming fears to be able to better function in your destiny. Sometimes you need to step into the down-right unknown to discover amazing paths. Sometimes you need to admit your plaguing faults to operate out of your shining strengths. Sometimes you need to be utterly vulnerable to become strong. Sometimes you must let go of what you want to grasp on to what you need.

I've had to talk to people about things of which I would rather never speak. I have had to forget about others getting what I think they deserve because being unforgiving was weighing me down. I have had to be humbled in order to have a concrete base to build on.

With that base I can grow step by step. Some days, I step back. Sometimes I feel it is all crumbled. But those strong building blocks of faith are now there, so it is easier to put things back together. One step at a time.

Right now I feel like I have a million things I want to work on. But I have to stick to that one-step-at-a-time. So that I can focus on what matters. So that I can avoid being overwhelmed. So that I can live life.

And hopefully I can improve on my ability to write about it. So that I can help someone else to live their life, too.

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