Then I discovered I couldn't.
I woke up very early in the morning with a very sore back. I don't think it's ever been that sore before. A nerve must have been pinched or something because it was spasming all the way around to the front.
Needless to say, I am currently not very productive. My zealous intentions have turned into relaxing and stretching, ice and massage. Not only have I not got to the list of productive ideas that I had made, I haven't even done the bare day to day stuff that needs to be done. I still don't know what we are eating for dinner.
I'm getting the feeling that maybe I misunderstood the message this weekend. God might be shaking his head and saying, "No, Lindy, I didn't say to do more and be more."
Really? I already feel quite guilty about all the work I saw many of my friends put into the conference while I didn't help at all. I should have. I had no reason not to help. I should be doing more.
But even though the conference talked about saying yes to what God was wanting us to step out and do, doing was not the theme. It was more about believing in who God says we are and what we are capable of and trusting Him to help as we venture out.
Often, as I stress over what I need to do and how that is going to be accomplished, I definitely focus on the possibility of failure. And if you ask my husband, when I am doing I am not contributing to a pleasant atmosphere. Most of our relationship tension comes from our times of volunteer or helping others. A little task is enveloped by self doubt and questioning. I get tense and he gets the fallout.
I had planned on being stronger by working harder this week. But the reality is, if I feel anxious being productive, then being more productive isn't going to give me peace. I am a big fan of facing your fears and conquering issues by doing them, but doing something wrong repeatedly isn't going to turn it right.
I need to ease up. Let go. Believe in myself. Believe in others. Work together. And enjoy the journey.
Today, the journey isn't that great as I relax my back on the couch and look at my dirty floor and contemplate preparing for winter. But there will be plenty of time for that later.
Life is really too short to do everything for selfish reasons or simply to get approval. Sometimes you have to let go of what will get you the most accolades so you can focus on what will benefit the future of you and your loved ones the most.
And usually, to work toward the best future you need to stop fearing your own role in that future.
I am capable and worthy. Not because of what I do. But because I'm not in it alone.