Thursday, 28 March 2013

I Need It.

If you know me you know that I have been battling an addiction. I try to have a healthy lifestyle and to placate my cravings with smart choices that I won't regret later. Distractions. A walk. A salubrious glass of water. But then the peer pressure comes in to play. I am surrounded by offerings in media every day. I can't be without when the person next to me is indulging. If I try, it will continue to call me until I concede.

I just need my chocolate fix. Sometimes I don't even know if it is to simply savor the delight or if I give in just to release the craving. Until the next one comes along. Pulling at me and incessantly reminding me. There's a chocolate bar in the fridge. You should have a hot cocoa before bed. Easter is coming... Oh, special occasions. Christmas then Valentines then Easter then Mother's Day. Then I have a reprieve of half a year where I can attempt to undo the damage done mentally and physically.

I am so grateful that my problem has actually lessened. When I was in my early twenties I couldn't say no. Even if someone offered me cheap, sugary chocolate. I had more helpings in the day than anyone should. Consistently. I think it even controlled me. Now, though, my preference has become more particular. I love dark chocolate, organic chocolate, "healthy" chocolate. Like raw cocoa nibs on yogurt.

I will now sample some cheap items like a easter bunny and think, "Is this even chocolate?" My husband knows that he isn't allowed to buy any treat for me that he could get at a dollar store. Even my old favorite, the m&m, falls a little too high on the sweetness scale. Though it's amazing on fresh, hot popcorn! I do notice that at times when I load up a little more on the sugary stuff my cravings intensify. Then it's like I go back to the end of the 20th century when I would go crazy.

Back then I had gained fifty pounds from my gluttonous pampering. It had been extra satisfying because previously I had been unable to eat chocolate. I spent the first twenty years of my life suffering from diet and exercise induced migraines, as well as digestion problems. Chocolate would bring on nausea and pain. If I gave in and ate some I would often end up in the hospital.

In my early adulthood my life changed drastically when I started going to church. The lowering of stress in my life really helped my health. My digestion improved. And I was able to sample some foods I couldn't before, and thankfully come out unscathed. Spices, pork, corn, peanuts... And then it happened. I don't know if I grew out of it or if I was healed but suddenly I could have chocolate. Alleluia. I remembering telling my doctor that it wasn't making me vomit or in pain anymore and she advised me not to have it. Yah right. Bring it on.

So I pushed it. Do you know how many candy bars I had not tried? Hmm, how about a Snickers this morning and a Bounty this afternoon. Oops, I think people will start to snicker as I pack on the pounds. But I can't help it. How about tomorrow I will try Oh Henry! and Twix and Rolo...

I can't imagine if I went through this new found addiction now, in the 21st century. Not only are there different kinds of chocolate bars but there are different flavors. Dark, orange, mint, coconut almond... My hips and belly had a hard enough time dealing with my selection at the time. Try this. Try that. I got pretty bad. Like really, who partakes in double chocolate cookies with chocolate sauce? More than once? Just the thought makes me gag. Sometimes I wonder if this period of treating myself substantially irresponsibly upped my chances of getting the Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia diagnoses at such an early age of 26. But this is a question for which I will never know the answer, and so I have to let it go.

Sometimes tremendous improvement isn't enough. I have some self control when it comes to selection. But I still need chocolate. Frequently. I have tried different tactics. Educating myself thoroughly on the dangers of sugar consumption. Telling myself I'll feel better. Calculating how much of my wage supports my habit. I have even gone cold turkey, which was surprisingly much easier than limiting myself.

From this point on, I have a little mimicking sponge watching my every move. She already has a propensity to stir because mom stirs a hot cocoa every day. She has only sampled chocolate a few times but it is inevitable that she will soon learn how high a standing the cocoa bean products have in Mommy's life. I'd like to show her self control. But, I have to find it first.

Right now, she's fast asleep. So I'll go eat that chocolate moose cake my husband brought home for me.

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