Unsolicited Advice

Unsolicited advice. It isn't hard to find. Especially with the use of social media. Comments bringing up safety on a photo. Warnings sent as a result of a Facebook status. Everyone has an opinion. And though not all people express their concern, many people will.

Having a child seems to open the door for exhortations. It is like your life cannot be private anymore. You have a little representative bringing to light your lifestyle choices. I can't imagine how much this intensifies when this mini family spokesperson gains a voice and is free to share what happens behind closed doors.

Some people find this new position under the magnifying glass very intimidating. They can feel the eyes watching their every move and don't like the feeling of a judging paparazzi. I can empathize. My first few months as a mother I questioned what route I would take in so many areas and I really second guessed myself. There were so many options and each option had research proving it was "right". Add in the sentiments of this person and that person and the awareness that you can't please them all (on top of all the changes and lack of sleep) and the stress increases.

As I got more comfortable with myself and my family I wasn't bothered by the two-bits of others anymore. And now I have a hypotheses. Life would actually suck if it all stopped.

I think we often don't think of the consequences of our wishes. And unsolicited advice falls in this category. Imagine if everyone kept their thoughts to themselves? Sure, you may not feel as judged. Or not as inconvenienced. But what would you be missing?

If I'd had no uncalled-for counsel I wouldn't have discovered the joy of wearing my daughter, which came in handy trying to get things done. If it wasn't for other people pushing their ideas I would have refused to try a pacifier which I now find is such a natural comfort for my baby that I don't regret. Without family pushing me in the area of diet I probably would have been way too strict and ended up with a child that would have rebelled from healthy eating when she got older. (Disclaimer: The previous sentence does not nullify my request that my little one be given healthy choices, as I believe healthy eating is very important.)

I can think of many times my very tired brain had trouble thinking and something someone said opened my eyes to what was obvious. If they didn't care enough to try to help I would have missed out on some important little things.

That's right. If they didn't care. Usually, when someone shares a piece of knowledge it is because they care. If you meant nothing to them why would it matter to them what you did, unless it directly affected them? When my grandmother adamantly tried to stop me from sleeping with my baby it was the safety of her great grandchild that mattered. The safety of someone she loved. When the little old lady at the store thought that I was going to go out into the cold without putting a hat on my baby she wasn't going to have her life changed whether I did or not. She was simply concerned for the health of my baby.

Sure, there are exceptions. Maybe that lady just thinks all mothers nowadays are irresponsible, and her pointing out that I needed to put a hat on my baby just fueled her "I told you so" attitude. Maybe, maybe not. What I figure is that people like that may annoy you for a second but they live with their own critical attitude all day every day. Poor, poor souls.

Suggestions and predictions given may without a doubt fall into the crazy column. But we live in a fast paced world where science and medicine are always learning and expanding. I can guarantee that something you are certain of now will be debunked down the road. And there you'll be, looking at the younger generation wondering how they could be going against what you know is fact. We live in a world of trends and suppositions. Today will not equal tomorrow. But every day will have its assertive opinion givers and its counteracting offensive players.

I cannot choose the attitude or theories of another. I am unable to select what thoughts they will express. The only thing I have direct control over is my own reaction. I can control how I react and what I do with the advice. Do I shrug it off? Do I acknowledge it and file it away in case I need it later? Do I open discussion or look into it further? Or do I take offense and stress over it, and over the fact that I have to make a choice with the world as my witness, and ruminate on what right they had to contribute in the first place and what they really thought...? Now that is stress!

I am grateful for advice. It's like spam. Most of it is useless. But sometimes I get a golden nugget. Sometimes I get revelations. Well, okay, probably more often than spam would be accepted. What I am given will be appreciated because life is so full of possibilities and so much that could be missed. There was a time when extended family would teach the children how to be mothers. Time constraints and western lifestyles don't make that the norm any more.

Go ahead grandma, ask me what I am feeding my daughter. Thanks for caring. Go ahead old friend, point out an available option. Thanks for caring enough to let me know something I may have known nothing about. Go ahead stranger in the store, remark on a safety issue. Thanks for seeing I might have had no sleep last night and I may be clueless.

And if I don't think your motivation is caring, oh well. You have to be accountable for your motives, not me. And if I do know the options, oh well. You don't know my thoughts. Only I do. And if I am not clueless, oh well. Your opinion of me is really none of my business.

Educating myself and trying my best is my business. And I'd rather focus my time and energy in that than worrying about the thoughts if others.