Out Of My Mind

I had one of those defeating days today. Feeling unappreciated and misunderstood. Questioning myself. One of those days when socializing is difficult and curling up in something cozy with hot chocolate and an interesting book would be absolutely ideal.

These types of days are, thankfully, few and far between, instead of regular like they once were. But even short lived, they have the potential to affect many areas. They deposit land mines that inflict damage when they go off. If I treat someone like crap because I feel horrible, they aren't going to think, "Oh, that's okay. She is struggling." Because the truth is, words and actions get down deep into the soul of another, even if they know you have a list of problems to justify your snarly attitude or emotional demeanor. You can't change what happens to you but you can change the reaction you choose. Sometimes, the only reaction someone prefers is one that greatly expresses the problem.

"How are you feeling?" has become such an empty, often rhetorical question. In reality, that question needs to be honestly answered only for a reason. To get something off your chest and move on. To seek counsel. To know someone understands. To help you or the other person grow. To realize it isn't that bad. But, like I said, misery isn't a place to sit and have a pity party. You can't keep sharing it over and over and expect positive results. It's like the boy who cried wolf. When is a complainer's issue really a predicament that requires support? And if help were to actually bring a resolution, would it be welcomed?

I am very aware of my bad mood and its effects on others around me. I look at the way-back-when me and I see someone I wouldn't want to be around. When I have a momentary relapse I again believe I am not someone anyone would desire to fellowship with. Of course, a spiral begins because feeling unwanted doesn't get me out of the slump.

What gets me out of the slump is looking outside of myself. Contacting a friend and asking how they are doing and truly listening to them and their feelings. Doing something nice for someone. Being happy for the accomplishments or blessings of another. Giving. Loving. Blessing. Interceding for someone. Outside of me.

Tell that to someone in the middle of the doldrums and they will usually disagree. Or, like I used to think, they will worry that their issue will be minimized and mean nothing if they turn from it for a moment. When I was very depressed I wanted help and thought if I turned from that and expressed any joy, then my need wouldn't be taken seriously and I would have less of a chance of resolution. So I felt guilty if anything attempted to lift me out of my melancholy. Through living, growing, and spirituality, I finally learned that the constant focus on my issue only amplified it. Staying in the misery increased its size. Mole hills became mountains. I was feeding sadness and what I needed to do was feed joy.

So tonight I still went out as planned, in spite of my cloud of frustration. At first it was quite difficult to be around people. But I let go and payed attention to them. And what do you know? In the long run, if it wasn't for a very tired toddler in my arms, I would have even stayed out and socialized pretty late.

I am glad I ventured out. Out of my house but also out of my own mind. Yes, I am out of my mind. But the splendid thing is I am getting into the minds of others, and discovering it is a joyful place to be.